Drive In '77

White Air

Oh... my... God....  White Air is a shitty movie from frame one.  The only reason I clicked on it was in hopes it would be bad enough to make fun of on here, and it more than delivers.  As soon as the titles start, you are simultaneously excited that the producers saved a lot of money on expensive editing software, choosing instead to use iMovie basic, and yet annoyed by the overly "extreme" music playing beneath a series of poorly shot snowboarders.  The production value of those soft core Playboy home videos you'd see at Suncoast in the mall circa 1991 is better than this heap.  How will I make it through the whole thing?

The plot, as it is, centers on the classic little guy takes on the big stud sports theme prevalent in pretty much all extreme sport features.  Alex is a super snowboarder who had a bad wipeout (which amounts to him falling into some powder cause he missed a turn) and finds it hard to get back in the game.  The director clearly watched 8 Mile like a hundred times cause a crappy rap song plays over the brooding Alex every 10 minutes.  He likes a chick who is dating the big time sponsored rider who is so big time he drives a Ford Escape.  There's a contest and some manufactured drama, yadda yadda and then everyone gets what they want.  Yeah movies!

This production is so horrifically awful, it lends credibility to the realism of Hot Dog: The Movie!  I've seen snowboard sequences on the Nintendo 64 that were more interesting.  The camera work, the editing, the acting, the script, the pacing, the sets, the lighting, just about everything is pure crap.  My nephew could shoot a better looking movie with a Flip Camera and a flashlight.  Every line of dialog is about as natural as Jake Llyod in Episode 1.  The worst is Dan Coplan as JC, a team manager or something.  You never have to worry about old Dan stepping on your lines cause he waits a good ten seconds before he chimes in with his own stilted delivery.

You need an example of the production value?  There are three bedrooms featured in the story, and they used the same room redressed for all of them.

No way!  Is that... Tom Sizemore?  Crap, you know the ship is hitting an iceberg when Tom Sizemore is your big name actor.  And he looks like he's been on a bender in a biker bar for like 6 days straight.  Actually, Dominique Swain out ranks him, but don't go blogging about that darling, not much to brag about.  The rest of the cast reveals its inability to hold the interest of a sleeping bear by the end of the first reel.  The lead is the biggest mystery.  Riley Smith gets a lot of acting jobs, but as someone who's best role was probably in Spring Break Shark Attack, he must be blowing a lot of egos to get paid for what he does.

The one thing I'll give White Air is it has the coolest director name ever; U. Wolfgang Wagenknecht!  My God, what could the "U" stand for?  Doesn't matter, you're probably too weak to understand it anyway cause when the Wagenknecht speaks, the Heaven's tremble!  Too bad this will be his first and last movie.  Well, not really, that's a good thing.  It's a catch 22.  Wagenknecht!!  (It's German for hauler's assistant.)

Hold on, are they really doing a Rocky IV running up a hill training montage?  Call in the air strike.

If Hollywood was a unicorn, White Air is the poop that came out of the fly's ass that ate the poop that came out of the unicorn.  It is horrifically embarrassing for everyone involved.  Someone actually made a movie that would not help them get laid and that movie is White Air.  Don't watch it, don't think about it, don't even waste time telling other people not to watch it.  Finish this review and put it out of your head forever.

Screened: on a beautifully rainy day (TV)

Director: U. Wolfgang Wagenknecht

Script: Steve Straka & U. Wolfgang Wagenknecht

Cast: Riley Smith, Dominique Swain, Tom Sizemore

Fav. Quote: anything with "bro" in it.  Oh wait, that's 90% percent of the dialog!

Snacks: Hot Tea

Grade: F (well deserved)

Cheri

Watching Cheri made me extremely sad.  Not because it is a particularly depressing film or even mildly somber, but instead because I love Stephen Frears work and Cheri left me ambiguous about its existence at best.

Based on the book of the same name by infamous French novelist Colette, Cheri follows the story of a young man (Cheri or "dear") and a retired courtesan (Lea) who fall in love during the Belle Epoque of Paris.  Cheri is the son of one of Lea's friends and as such, eventually is married away to a younger girl, leaving both lovers full of self pity.  It ends with one last fling and the oddest voice over in the history of cinema.

I liken the film to my Brokeback Mountain experience.  No, not that kind of experience!  Both are visually beautiful, but the script is stretched too thin and the romance is barely there.  You never feel like Lea and Cheri really do care about each other, instead just playing out some weird game as two people either without or ignoring options.  The plot plays out like a series of constructs, an outline more than a final draft.

What's odd is the performances themselves are actually quite nuanced and good.  This makes me think the fault lies even more in the screenplay's ruffled pages more than before.  Michelle Pfieffer in particular takes the little she's given and turns in a wonderful show.  Unfortunately it is wasted in this movie's meandering pace and listless drive to accomplish anything.

I really do love Frears and the look of this film is remarkably his.  He's helmed three of my favorite flicks of the 'oughts; The Queen, High Fidelity, and Dirty Pretty Things.  As well as being behind The Van (see it!!), Mary Reilly, and too many BBC TV shows to list.  I'd rank him amongst my top five of living directors and Cheri is destined to be that one I shrug off as my least favorite.  It looks great, it makes a nice box on the video store shelf, but if you want to see some really good work, check out the other titles I mentioned.

Screened: after too much anticipation perhaps (DVD)

Director: Stephen Frears

Script: Christopher Hampton

Cast: Michelle Pfeiffer, Kathy Bates, Rupert Friend

Snacks: Hot dogs and Coca Cola

Grade: C to the minus

Poliwood

How do you navigate the media circus without becoming a clown?  Posed early on, this is but one of the numerous and thought provoking questions put before your as you watch Barry Levinson's documentary on Hollywood and Washington, PoliWood.  I didn't know how to gauge expectations on a film by a Hollywood icon about the industries role in American politics, but if I were you, keep them high.  Levinson, who titles PoliWood as a "film essay" delivers an informative, comprehensive, and thoughtful look at how celebrities became involved in the presidential elections of 2008.

The focus of the essay revolves around the non-partisan group of actors known as The Creative Coalition.  Made up of some famous and semi-famous faces or television and film, this group prides themselves on presenting issues more than campaigning for any particular side.  That being said, most of their members are vocal Dems and that informs the issues and stances they choose within the Coalition.  Levinson uses that membership as well as himself to weave a story about Hollywood's influence and celebrity on the national political scene.

In the first 10 minutes, you see a focus group of everyday Joes and Janes who are asked about the perception of Obama as being aligned with celebrities.  It is astonishing the things that come out of these folk's mouths.  The ideas that middle America have about how things work in Hollywood are so skewed they become comical.  Thanks Fox News.  Liberals, Democrats, or whatever you want to call them do not run Hollywood, nor are they a majority.  Liberal actors might be highly visible, but the suits sitting high in the office tower and the below the line trades who are making good money are largely conservative.  Squeaky wheels get the grease, but who's the rat running around inside moving that wheel?  By the way, who is the only actor to ever be elected President?  Ronald Reagan, a Republican.

One of my favorite moments is when a consultant is brought before the Creative Coalition (actors) to discuss communication techniques and suddenly Josh Lucas (he was popular or something once) erupts into a tantrum about how he doesn't want to be preached too.  It is hilarious to me and makes Lucas look like a total douchebag.  It is his behavior that is why those folks in the focus group above don't want actors to speak up on politics, because they feel they don't take time to listen.  Now, it is not fair to group all of Hollywood together, the majority of that group did not balk at hearing new ideas on how to get their ideas across, so what is the lesson?  Any group, any of them, have their share of idiots and scholars.  And then you have Josh Lucas who just seems like a pompous know it all.  Sorry Josh, Sweet Home Alabama only takes you so far.

So, how do these celebs come across in PoliWood?  Well, I think it is a matter of personal perception.  Anne Hathaway doesn't seem like a credible spokeshole, I could be wrong of course.  While Tim Daly or Susan Sarandon (a much maligned celebrity in the right swinging political camps) seem to be genuine in their study and desire to participate in the process.  Should you be jealous that they can be a part of it and get the press to state their feelings when you as a paycheck to paycheck citizen cannot?  Nope.  You really shouldn't.  Not if they are taking the time to educate themselves.  Spike Lee might be a bit of a blowhard, but he also knows his issues.  So, I think we need to look upon celebs the same as anyone sitting there talking about politics to us, that is to take the responsibility upon your own shoulders to understand the concepts and issues without blindly devoting yourself to any one person's opinion.

As a film, PoliWood isn't going to win any awards.  It meanders at times, loosely clinging to a timeline that follows the Creative Coalition as they attend both the RNC and DNC and various other tent pole moments of the election.  But a solid narrative structure is somewhere off in another movie.  I think the "essay" qualifier is appropriate as this show is a C level mid term paper at best.

Where this movie succeeds is as a jumping off point for discussion.  I could see watching this with a group of people, perhaps students, and pausing the film every 5 minutes to launch into hours of back and forth.  Levinson stirs up a lot of great questions with the footage regardless of what you think the movie is trying to say.  Our system is gridlocked with misinformation and sensationalism and movies like this, or Michael Moore films or even Fox News reports need to be re-examined and used as starting points for dialogue.

PoliWood does skew these celebs in a favorable light but the true value comes from the array of sound bites to feed your brain.  For that, I give it a favorable grade.

Screened: On Demand on a cloudy November anniversary of a big election (TV)

Director: Barry Levinson

Grade: B+

Bon Jovi: When We Were Beautiful

I have to admit it.  It might be embarrassing, but it is the God's honest truth.  I admire the fuck out of Bon Jovi.  Their "New Jersey" album was one of the first like three CDs I ever owned.  It actually had wear lines encircling the spindle hole.  I would put it on and air drum along to the whole record.  I had a VHS video of an earlier doc titled Bon Jovi: All Access and I nearly broke the thing I watched it so many times.  My first drum instruction video was from Tico Torres.  I was a fan.  Has that fanaticism faded over time, sure, but with 25 plus years under their belt, I respect them with all my soul and if I ever met one of them, I'd let them know it.

The closest I've come is when I worked as a school photographer and I took Sambora's daughter's picture.  Rumor had it he was on the school ground's, I tried to sneak out and see, but no luck.

I'd have to credit that Access All Areas video with instilling me with the love of tour documentaries.  It was my model of what a big rock n roll tour should be and I would watch it and dream about the day I'd be playing to hundreds of thousands in Brazil or Australia or something.  So when I saw this new doc on my On Demand, and I was stuck on the couch recovering from surgery, it was a no brainer times a thousand.

When We Were Beautiful is a horribly titled, but wonderfully candid glimpse inside an international mega group.  What I love and admire about this band is how forthright and honest they are about their careers and their place in the music universe.  And that has never changed.  These Jersey boys have always been willing to let any and all into the fold like college professors before a class full of eager minds.

The most enlightening piece of the puzzle is how the band actually functions.  Jon is the leader and he is in charge and he runs the corporation that is Bon Jovi.  And they all agree to that.  He is their leader and they respect him and let him steer the ship.  And as David Bryan states, "it's a huge success, why let (ego) hurt my life."  They love what they do, and who gets them there is not of consequence.  He's not a dictator they say, but the band is not a democracy.  Interesting.

The film is your standard collection of concert footage (although not nearly enough), interviews, and behind the scenes footage.  Lots of black and white, but that is where the artistic assembly ends.  The rest is pretty straight forward but without the linear storytelling of your normal tour piece.

This is not the same level of quality as something like Metallica's Some Kind of Monster as far as filmmaking is concerned.  It is carefully crafted and edited and controlled to present an exact image.  The image Jon wants you to see.  Not that there is much wrong with that.  This is still way above your standard EPK tripe, and absolutely not heavily filtered, but it does steer you in certain directions like a dam on a river and I don't think the director was the dam.  You get the sense, and not in a malignant way, that there is a lot more to be mined from the story of Bon Jovi.

All in all, not the best example of the genre but if you're like me and just love anything to do with music or you're a big Bon Jovi fan, than this is a good 80 minutes of entertainment.

Fav. Quote: "The day the bass player's wife tells me when to tour.... it ain't coming" - JBJ

November Update

So, lots going on in Drive In '77 land!!  First of all, I've been on set for the last month and that has sucked a lot of my writing time into the blackest of holes.  I got to watch about an hour of the original "V" mini series with Marc Singer, but other than that, Netflix is sending condolence letters to my wife 'cause they think only a dead man would have held on to Adventureland for that long.  That is going to change. November is dedicated to writing for a couple reasons.

First, this blog.  I love doing this and the only inspiration I need is the very occasional, out of the blue letter from a complete stranger telling me they loved reading my review.  I just got one where this guy told me reading my write up on Hot Dog: The Movie was as much fun as watching the movie itself.  Thank you!  That made my day my friend.

Second, November is National Novel Writing Month.  You may have seen my badge over to the right there from last year.  I love this idea, and I love the community that has sprouted up around it.  50,000 words in one month.  Just write it and sort out the bodies later.  It is the ultimate rough draft challenge and I think you should all try it.  Sign up at www.nanowrimo.org today and join me in earning another badge for the blog this year!!

Third, I've been asked to contribute to a new website called Real TV Addicts.  An old friend works there and pointed them to this blog and they want me to write up some features each week on the world of television.  I cannot wait to get going because I love the boob tube and think the quality of programming available today is astounding.  I thank the gang at Real TV Addict and will let you guys know when my first piece goes live.

That is all I've got for today, but regular posts will be returning immediately and I have a ton of movies to talk about!!  Not to mention, Christmas flicks are a coming!  I love holiday shows and this is the first year I am going to attempt to sort the crap from the awesome, so stay tuned shoppers!!  Thanks again for reading, you guys are the best!

The A Team?

I cannot wait for the new A-Team movie!!!

 

Obviously not really the new A-Team, but come on, this would be so much better!

Farley/Spade Commercial

This is kind of a random post, but I was on Facebook last night and a status update from an old high school classmate got me all confused and eventually annoyed.  He was being really high and mighty about a new DirecTV ad following their campaign of mixing current celebrities with famous movies they've been in.  Craig T. Nelson in Poltergeist etc.  Anyhoo, this old school mate was pissed because David Spade did one in which he plays opposite a Tommy Boy Chris Farley and there is buzz online seriously pissed off about it.  Quick question... who the fuck cares?

First off, some comments over the ad talk about it being "too soon."  Too soon?  The dude died over a decade ago!  Keanu Reeves opposite a clip of Patrick Swayze in Youngblood would be too soon.  Soupy Sales would be too soon, not some comic who OD'd in the mid nineties.  Additionally, he didn't die of some serious illness or a tragic accident, the dude was a user and essentially committed suicide.  I think that kind of nullifies your stance on being upheld as a pillar not to be questioned.

This leads into the idea that a commercial like this tarnishes his career.  What freaking career were you watching?!  No offense gang, but Chris Farley was a one joke wonder.  He was the fat man in a little coat and that's all he had.  "Laugh at the fat man!"  Done, over.  If he were still alive, he'd be a "where are they now" holed up in his decaying Hollywood Hills home crying over the new fat guy on the scene.  You want to trumpet his career, you better have a french horn with the valves rusted shut cause you only need one note.

Finally, as my former Mustang believes, the concept that David Spade is disrespecting his old pal.  Grow up.  First of all, David Spade does not control the estate of Chris Farley, so his likeness only appears because his family said yes.  Also, those two were best friends and there is no way Spade went forward without the family saying yes.  Third, as best friends, I can only imagine that Spade was kind of psyched about the idea of playing opposite his buddy one more time, no matter how hokey it comes across.  

To break it all down, the ad itself is not even funny, so who cares?  No one cried foul when the above mentioned Poltergeist DirecTV spot came out, and that little girl is dead.  Drop your bloated hero worship of Farley and move on frat boys.  He wasn't that funny alive, and he's not funny dead either so hitch your wagon to something new and join the 21st century.

Entourage: Season 6

Are we really on season six of this show?!  Hard to believe it's been 5 plus years of watching Vinnie Chase and his buddies navigate the ups and downs of the young Hollywood lifestyle, especially since the past few years have been a little slim on entertainment value.  Don't get me wrong, I like the show, but it is not quite the same brand of appointment TV it was in the beginning.  As I blasted through all 12 installments of "Entourage" season 6 today, I can happily say the gang is getting penciled back in the little black book.

This season just felt more focused and prepared.  Each episode is a capsule, a self contained narrative as opposed to previous years when the individual components leaned too heavily on the ones to either side.  Often that style resulted in unanswered questions and missing exposition, leaving gaps and uncomfortable time jumps between the scripts.  Slap dash was the general tone, but now it is earning the acclaim with a terrific ensemble and varied, juicy plots. 

The juggling show with an industry expose like "Entourage" is how it rides the line between reality Hollywood and television Hollywood.  It is a show about the biz and it has been a somewhat rough ride as they try and stay current and hip, yet timeless.  The Aquaman story line was brilliant because no matter how big comic books get, no studio is ever going to make an Aquaman or Wonder Twins movie.  It was a safe choice, believable, and wink wink funny.  But this season they hit a major wall when in the first episode a character celebrates cause he signed the "My Name is Earl" creator to the agency.  Whoops!  That was cancelled!  They also reference Leno on "The Tonight Show."  It dates it and pulls you out of the world, but they also have them eating at current hotspot STK, cruising Canters, and strolling all of L.A.'s regular "to be seen at" places.  That stuff is way more natural and real feeling than trying to pull in current movies etc.

What they did do well this season is creating cool, interesting film projects for Vinnie that no doubt, agents are hustling as we speak.  The Great Gatsby?  Perfect.  Classic lit is always a big pull for actors.  A Ferrari bio-pic?  I can see it.  Like the Aquaman and Medellin arcs, this is a great way to suck you into the dream factory without giving away your believability.

The show has some flaws, but we all still watch it, why?  Because of the hope that some cool cameo will pop up?  That's really all the show had from seasons 3 to 5.  When is Seth Green gonna show up and be a jerk again?!  It has really felt like a waste because the truth is, we still watch because the characters are so strong to begin with.  There was such a dirth of development in the first couple seasons that viewers fell in love with Vince, Drama, Eric, and Turtle.  And Ari and Lloyd too.  Season 6 gives them all copious helpings of good dialogue good story beats to work with.

Don't be fooled though, the guest list is insane and well used.  Aaron Sorkin showing up for a meeting at jail is hilarious.  Turtle making fun of and then kissing Tom Brady's ass is classic.  Bob Saget is gold.  Jamie Gertz is not in it enough and Zac Efron turns in his finest acting performance yet.  Matt Damon, LeBron James, Frank Darabont, Bono... it never ends and it didn't feel stunty this year.  It all felt really natural, except exec producer Mark Wahlberg.  That felt weird.

Season 6 is way more entertaining than the last 3 put together.  I love seeing Lloyd step up and Gary Cole is classic.  The gang work best when they're on top and they've been in the dumps far too long.  This is, at its heart, a tale of friendship and "Entourage" returned to that after a... "hiatus" we'll say.  Season 6 is easily the most enjoyable set of episodes yet in my book and renews my interest in the next round coming sometime in Summer 2010.

Fav. Quote: "I'm not weird, I'm pragmatic." - Bob Saget as Bob Saget

Grade: A+

College Road Trip

Somebody call the cops, because the dudes who wrote this just got away with robbery.  Their paychecks or the Hot Pockets they spent it on should be confiscated as evidence and your honor, I suggest locking away all copies of College Road Trip until the trial is over.  Or a thousand years, whichever comes second.

The first twenty minutes sets up what the title of the film already divulged, a father takes his daughter on a road trip to check out colleges.  You also get slapped in the face a dozen times in the first reel with how overprotective he is of said daughter.  It is the most straight faced score of time I've ever sat on a chair.

From there you get what someone thought would be a funny hour and a half of Martin Lawrence on the road.  Let's make him skydive!!  That will be hilarious!  How about a GPS joke?  Brilliant!  After watching this film, I have a sudden appreciation of Wild Hogs.

This is a pandering comedy filled with gallons of trite stereotypes.  Oh look, her little brother is a crazy genius kid who annoys her and he has a pig as a pet!  Isn't that funny?  A pig!!  Oh it doesn't get any crazier than a pig as a pet!  Ha ha!!  Oh and look now, they're stuck on a bus full of Japanese tourists and they're doing karaoke... on the bus!!  Oh stop, my sides are splitting.  Wait, what?!  The straight laced creepy white folk is played by Donny Osmond?  Oh stop it, you're killing me!!  How original of you!!

No really, stop it.  Raven-Symone (and her mystery hyphenate name) in College Road Trip makes Raven-Symone in "That's So Raven" look subtle.  It makes the Cheetah Girls look like a Mamet script.  And Martin Lawrence, oi vei.  This man gets out acted by his own car in this show.  His comedy of black errors schtick is tired and overdone as are his over the top facial expressions.  This guys sells bad jokes harder than Billy Mays sold Oxi-Clean.

And all you Disney kids out there don't get your hopes up for a Brenda Song fix either.  She's in it for like 90 seconds, max.

This is the one of the worst family films ever made.  What is even more confusing is Roger Kumble directed one of the funniest surprises I've had in the last decade, the hilarious holiday flick Just Friends.  Of course, I guess directing Martin Lawrence is a little like making coffee at Starbucks.  All the dials are pre set and you just kind of show up and press play.  Not to mention when you add in four credited writers with a combined total of like seven movies between them (two of them rookies), you can imagine that Kumble had little to work with from the start.

Family movies are at their best subversive and entertaining.  College Road Trip is a "cash this check before they figure out the load of poop we left on the doorstep."  I didn't laugh once.  I didn't even crack a smile.  The funniest moment of the whole experience was when my wife came in and laughed at how horrible it was and that I was watching it.  She is totally right.  From start to finish, this is a waste of valuable time and money for all involved.

Screened: 'cause I had insomnia (TV)

Director: Roger Kumble

Script: Emi Mochizuki & Carrie Evans & Cinco Paul & Ken Daurio

Cast: Martin Lawrence, Raven-Symone, Donny Osmond, Will Sasso, Brenda Song

Fav. Quote: someone screamed once, that was the only dialogue that made any sense

Snacks: tea and cereal

Grade: F -

7's: Cutest Cinema Cheerleaders

Okay, listen up, I'm not above the allure of the cheerleader and with Halloween approaching and numerous coeds looking for that perfect slutty costume to prance around in, I thought it no less than my civic duty to offer up some potential role models for your costuming needs.  Plus, it seems like an easy list to concoct and when the wife wants to know why I'm watching Bring It On again, I claim research!!  

1. Christina Milian as Paris in Love Don't Cost a Thing
2. Kirsten Dunst as Torrance in Bring It On
3. Jamie Pressly as Priscilla in Not Another Teen Movie
4. Marla Sokoloff as Lisa in Sugar and Spice
5. Monica Keena as Evie in Man of the House (also featured Christina Milian!!)
6. Kristy Swanson as Buffy in Buffy the Vampire Slayer
7. Gabrielle Union as Isis in Bring It On

I probably should've made a list just on the Bring It On franchise alone!  Which, by the way, has a fourth installment out with, guess who, Christina Milian!!  She is the clear winner of the cheerleader typecast award and God bless her, she deserves it.  No one wears that pervy mini skirt better than her.

And the Dunst, she is awesome in BIO.  Really, I did actually watch it for the first time in years the other day and it is still a very funny film.  

What about TV cheerleaders?  Another good list, but I'm afraid the FBI might raid my computer if I write much more on this subject.  In fact, next week is all about church movies or something.